Chuckle 2668

Chuckle 2668
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)





~Late Phone Call to the Vet~ (Plus: Today in History, Word
for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed
to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors
were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that
she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was
drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do
next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered
in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will
make the male lose his erection and he will be able to
withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
_________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



__________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2667

Chuckle 2667
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Four Dogs~(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Proofreading)

Remember the four cats? Well Bev has four dogs; maybe they’re not as smart as the cats but Bev is!

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country! ---Bev---

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_______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________

(Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

_________________________________________________________________________________

The invisible man says;

Chuckle 2666

Chuckle 2666
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Three Men~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day,
Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came
upon a large raging, violent river.



Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
' God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof!!! God gave him big arms and strong legs... and he
was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost
drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please
give me strength and the tools to cross the river..'

Poof!!! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
legs....
And he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost
capsizing several times.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and
the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof!!!

HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream....
and walked across the bridge



Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
_____________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2665

Chuckle 2665
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)




~The Four Cats~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in
History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and Proofreading.)

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an
Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth
man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper
and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called
his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a
dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

'Coffee Break, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies........

drank the milk.......

sh*t on the paper.......

scr*wed the other three cats.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS
TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
_______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



____________________________________________
(Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
Wally says….

Chuckle 2664

Chuckle 2664
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Ralph and Edna ~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Ralph and Edna Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking past
the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to
the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself,
I put him there to dry.’

‘How soon can I go home?'

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_______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




_________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2663

Chuckle 2663
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH~(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Proofreading.)

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?) Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly........ On a broomstick..... We're flexible like that.
______________________________________________________


Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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_____________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




__________________________________________________

(Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
----------------------------------------------------------
Great weather here on the Oregon coast, a real heat wave .
It must have gotten all the way up to 59 degrees today~ …

Chuckle 2662 (another palindrome)

Chuckle 2662
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Too Big~(Second time around)(Plus: Today in History,
Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-
busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced
and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made
the jiggle even that more apparent.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably
- especially the men. The very proper church ladies were
appalled. They said something had to be done about this or
they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told
her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her
breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her
to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they
are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you
won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the
pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol
we will not hath a Thermon tewday."
_______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2661

Chuckle 2661
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Confession~ (Second time around)(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Proofreading.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell…'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew. His friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

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___________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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_____________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




________________________________________

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?

________________________________________


Have a Good One!!

Chuckle 2660

Chuckle 2660
(Bev L of Mt.Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Grandma & Grandpa~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV? The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed...?

Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip..? Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch...?

Grandma looked at him with disgust?” You just don't understand, you silly old coot.....The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.
_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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_________________________________________________________


(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2659

Chuckle 2659
(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Screwed!!!!!~(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and do you remember?)

An evil Atheist explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!" A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


________________________________________________________

Do you remember?

Food for thought. Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what Castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with Castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is 'supper.' Now everybody says ‘dinner.' Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

_______________________________________________________________

Ah come-on; Try and have a
good day!!

Chuckle 2658

Chuckle 2658
(George H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)




~The Cardiologist & the Mechanic ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage...

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get $4,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...........

"Try doing it with the engine running..........

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_______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2657

Chuckle 2657
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~DEAF WIFE ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and do you remember)

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she Used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the Family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet Away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone See if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and So on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and He was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what Happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from His wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet From his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

I just love this)


"Chicken, Ralph, for the FIFTH time Chicken!!"


________________________________________________________


Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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_________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




____________________________________________________________________________
Do you remember?

Here's a word I miss - ‘percolator.' That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with ‘Coffee maker.' How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.






I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like ‘DynaFlow’ and ‘Electrolux.' Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'Spectra Vision!'

Chuckle 2656

Chuckle 2656
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~80 YEAR OLD WOMAN ON HER 4TH MARRIAGE: ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



___________________________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2655

Chuckle 2655
(Don W of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)











Jerry, I thought this might apply to most of your audience. ---Don---

~NO SUNDAY PAPER ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and do you remember?)

This is dedicated to all who are seniors, to all who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..."Well, damn, that explains why no one was at church either.

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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I always loved going to the 'picture show,' but I considered 'movie' an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure '60s word I came across the other day ‘rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!



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Try to have a good day!!

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