Chuckle 2714

Note: We will be away for a couple of weeks, you
might enjoy the the Archives.
---Mr Chuckles---


Chuckle 2714
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


Will Rogers,

~"Never squat while wearing your spurs"~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Clothesline Rules.)

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)
Things you’d like to say.












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(Clothesline Rules.) From Phyllis in Pasadena…

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your "unmentionables" in the middle (perverts & busybodies, y'know!)

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather ... clothes would "freeze-dry."
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Chuckle 2712

Chuckle 2713

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Pope in Alaska~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Viking fan wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Go Vikings' hat and a "Vikings rule" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Packer fans wearing Packer shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Viking fan from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three Packer fans finished off the grizzly. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Viking fan in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Packer fans and Viking fans, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one Packer fan asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the Packer fan said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Minnesota and get another one?"
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
Things you would like to say.


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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2712

Chuckle 2712
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~First Job~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Clothesline Rules.)

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how”.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
(Things you would like to say.)



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(Clothesline Rules.) From Phyllis in Pasadena.


3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders - always by the tail! What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday!. .. .. Never hang clothes on the weekend, or Sunday, for Heaven's sake!

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Chuckle 2711
(Charlie M of Tecumseh OK gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~How DRY Is It in Oklahoma???~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A buddy out of McAlester said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Lawton said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Ada, they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Okmulgee, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Oklahoma that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now that’s Dry!!!

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2710

Chuckle 2710
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Endearing Terms~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Clothesline Rules.)

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady slowly shook her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 5 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
Things you would like to say!


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“Rules for Clotheslines” from Phyllis of Pasadena

1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes - walk the entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth around the lines.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hang "whites" with "whites," and hang them first.
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Chuckle 2709
(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~San Diego Woman Shot in Head~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This is just horrible... you can't even go to the grocery store anymore.... San Diego Woman Shot in Head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde but that could be a coincidence.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2708

Chuckle 2708
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Cheating wife ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2707

Chuckle 2707
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


Anthony's Roommate!!

~Italian mothers! ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out of Trouble!

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.” · So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony...

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear Son, · I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. ·

Love, Mama.

Moral: Never lie to your mama.
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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! From Bev.

25. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

27. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

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Chuckle 2706

Chuckle 2706
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Stress~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2705
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Note: Since we will be staying over night in Eugene
tonight there will not be a chuckle on Thursday! Sorry!!

~Men & Pain~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that could would use radio waves
to transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in
favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that t labor
was a very intense experience and that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father could possibly handle. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick up the pain
transfer machine a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch!

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! from Bev.

22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


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Chuckle 2704

Chuckle 2704

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)9-1-04

Golden Princess



~Better than a Rest Home~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Dear Friends and Family!

There will be no nursing home in our future......when
we get old and feeble,

We are going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship, the
average cost for a nursing home is $200.00 per day
each. I have checked on reservations at Princess and
I can get a long term discount and senior discount
price of $135.00 per day each. That leaves $62.00 a
day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10.00 per day.

2. We will have as many as 10 meals a day if we can
waddle to the restaurant, or we can have room service
(which we can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a
workout room, free washers and dryers, shows every
night,

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and all the
free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a
patient. A extra $5.00 bucks worth of tips will have
the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. We will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light Bulb need changing? need to have
the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix
everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't
even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you
are on Medicare, if you fall and break a hip on a
Princess Ship they will up grade you to a suite for
the rest of your life( can't beat that). Now hold on
for the best,

Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal,
Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or You name
where you want to go and Princess will have a ship
ready to go. So don't look for us in a nursing home
just call shore to ship. Just forward all our email to
d&c@princessship.com.

Love, Doug

p.s. If you die they just dump you over the side, at
no charge.
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(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2703

Chuckle 2703
(Charlie M of Tecumseh OK gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~GOLFER AT THE DENTIST~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out of Trouble!

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.


I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! From Bev.


19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

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I hope your Sunday is nice!!

Chuckle 2702

Chuckle 2702
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)





~RETIRED HUSBAND ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.



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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2702

Chuckle 2701

Chuckle 2701
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Ed and Norma


~ED and NORMA~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble!

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say, “Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter”

Norma always replied, “I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, “Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




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A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! From Bev.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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Have a Good One!!

Chuckle 2700

Chuckle 2700
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Kansas cow.

~Kansas~ (Second time around)(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The only cow in a small town in Colorado stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Kansas for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Kansas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Kansas ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Kansas?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kansas ...

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2699

Chuckle 2699
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks.)
I couldn’t find a picture of a bass boat in a field! Sorry!!


~Gone Fishing~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble!

A good ole Tennessee boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it." His brother came over to
visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out
there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in
a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big
field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin', what it looks like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Tennessee a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! from Bev.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Try your best to have a nice day!!

Chuckle 2698

Chuckle 2698
(Mac M of Florence gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~50th Anniversary~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A couple was celebrating 50 years together... Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything...” After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we’re bastards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."



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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)