Chuckle 2805

(Chuckle 2805)
(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Road Trip~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

____________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)







_________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

Answer below.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?





















Answer: Incorrectly

Chuckle 2804

(Chuckle 2804)
(Holly S of Chicago IL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Help Needed~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head.

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_________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2803

Note; Sorry no Chuckles for awhile, Lora and I will be leaving tomorrow; Monday the 21st for a week to visit with family in Sacramento.

Chuckle 2803)
Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Scotch or Gin? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.


The florist's son brought the teacher a nice bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box
of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger
and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted
another drop and asked, “Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

____________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)





_______________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself) (from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? Answer below























Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

Chuckle 2802

(Chuckle 2802)
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~From the Back Pew! ~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen.

Gotta love those old folks.

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____________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2801

(Chuckle 2801)
(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Class of "1975"~

~Old Class Mate~ (Second time around)

(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

Well, you'll love this one...

My name is Mary, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



__________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis
of Pasadena CA)

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest?

Mountain in the world?

Answer below.





Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.
[You're not very good at this are you?]

Chuckle 2800

(Chuckle 2780)
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~The Baptist Church Dinner! ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."



He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try... She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave OL' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, OL' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm...”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over OL’ Spot never even stopped."

_________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)




_____________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2799

(Chuckle 2799)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~On the Balcony with a Popsicle~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
‘Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced,
'The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they’re having sex?
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

_______________________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)



_________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

answer below,

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?















Answer: Meat.

Chuckle 2798

(Chuckle 2798)
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Six Retired Irishmen~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's
apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Peter Gallagher picks the short one. They
tell him to be discreet and gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Peter goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Peter declares: "Your husband just lost £500 and is afraid
to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Peter
______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)


____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2797

(Chuckle 2797)

(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Replacement Windows~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo ............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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_____________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own thanksgiving collection.)


__________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA) Answer below.



1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?







1. Answer: Johnny of course.


_______________________________________________________________

Chuckle 2796

(Chuckle 2796)
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Chuckle 224 Sent out on 1-29-2004

~The Biker~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is gooood--the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says,

(scroll down)



















"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2795

(Chuckle 2795)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Lord... They Are Finally Together~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked

the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:



"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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___________________________________________


(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)


_______________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

This is the last of this series!






_________________________________________________

Chuckle 2793

(Chuckle 2793)
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Buried Copper Wire~ (Second time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, report finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Minnesota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Askov, Minnesota, Ole Swenson, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to be from Minnesota.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)


_______________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2792

(Chuckle 2792)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Lost Parrot ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I found a parrot sitting on my front porch this morning:



He keeps saying "Good morning, you old fart"

Is he yours?????

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)



______________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2791

(Chuckle 2791)

(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~ Health Message~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the Tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

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________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2790

(Chuckle 2790)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Blonde Passenger~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower... I have received your message, and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax... Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me...Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven..."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)






___________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2789

(Chuckle 2779)
(Dee K. of Florence gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Cartoons~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)










____________________________________________________________________
Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
From the Thanksgiving Collection.




_____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)