Chuckle 5524

 

Chuckle 5524

 Chuckle 110  sent in 2003

 (Thanks for this chuckle go to Sandy Jackson of Florence OR.)

 ~SENIOR'S DISCOUNT~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

  Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that, "in one year they would pay for themselves!!"

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Since that was so short I thought I’d add something.

Here are a few Cryptograms that Rick and I (Jerry) solve each morning: (They must be shared)

 If an elephant has a skin problem do you suppose he should visit  a “pachydermatologist.”

 Preparing to go out for a while, what did papa buffalo say to his baby? “Bison”

 The average man’s judgment is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.  – Ed Howe

 Does a kangaroo get irritated when its baby eats his crackers in bed?

 WHY DO WE DO THESE THINGS RICK?

 

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 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff's 

Chuckle 5523

 

Chuckle 5523 Classic

 

Chuckle 108

 (Our thanks go to Mary of Los Osos CA for this Chuckle.)

 ~Driving To Slow:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

  Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in front and three in the back.

 The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
 exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman said a bit proudly.

 The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

 A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
 pointing out her error.

 "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't

muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asked.

 "Oh, they'll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route
 119!"

 

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 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5522

 

Chuckle 5522 Classic

Chuckle 105 (received  Oct  2003 )

(Willie and Joy of Sacramento, CA.. sent us this

Chuckle. Thanks go to both of you!)

Note: This one is rated PG.

BMW & Tees: ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 diff’s)

 Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

  "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.         

  "What are those, son?" asks the attendant.

  "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

  "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquire the Irishman.

  "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

  "Jesus, Mary and Joseph", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 diff's

Chuckle 5521

 

Chuckle 5521 Classic

 Chuckle 30 (Sent by John and Jayne March, 2001)

 ~The Outhouse!! ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

    Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an out house, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

   One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got
a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.

   That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

 

The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that
cherry tree!"

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 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign from Nancy in Sun City AZ

Chuckle 5520

 

Chuckle 5520

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~ A few Smiles~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

 

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

 

In other words, send it to everyone !    (and God love that pig!)

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 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5519

 

Chuckle 5519

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bill P of Florence OR)

~ One guy's reaction ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

   A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't  bother to come after me. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

 After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you,put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

"I can see your feet.

We're outta bread; be back in five minutes.”

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5518

 

Chuckle 5518 Classic

Chuckle 29

Sent by Jayne and John C.

Wednesday, November 22, 2000 4:05 PM

~Learn Chinese!!~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s)

Q: What do you call someone half Indian and half Chinese?
A: UG-LEE!
                ------------------------------
Introducing Willie Wong's Best Educational Seller: "Learn Chinese in 5
Minutes"
English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka
English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King
English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni
English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!
English: Did you go to the beach
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?
English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni
English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?
English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?
English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?
English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum
English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu
English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo
English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?

__________________________________________________ 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 5517 Classic

Chuckle 28

 Received In Feb. 2002 (Source unknown, but I’m guessing Clark!)

~Stranded!!~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

 

    One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck getting closer to him.   As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of driftwood or a small boat.  Emerging from the surf is this good-looking, young woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
    She approaches the stunned guy and after they introduce themselves and he tells her of his predicament, she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
   "Ten years!" he says. 

   She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes.  He takes one, lights it, and takes along drag.  "Man, oh man" he swoons, "is that ever good".
  She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"
  Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"  She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.  He opens the flask, takes along swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
  Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
  The guy, with tears in his eyes replies "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!

__________________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5516

 

Chuckle 5516 Classic

 Chuckle 27

 ~ Cat Wash Advice~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

(Another from Dean sent recently)

HOW TO BATHE A CAT
================
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids

and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds

(ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this) .

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse,

which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from

toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors,

where he will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

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(Today in History Click)

tp://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5515

 

Chuckle 5515 Classic

 

Chuckle 26

 

(Thanks to Dean, Sent in May 2002)

 

~Cinderella!!~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 diff’s)

 

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world
go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

 Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"

 The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived exemplary life
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?"

 Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful
consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking
chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

 Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge
of the porch, quivering with fear.

 Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

 The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your
heart want for your second wish?"

 Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said:
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again".

 At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage
returned.

 Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

 When the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall
you have?"

 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, I wish

for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

 Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful    the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.

 The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy
your new life."

 And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

 For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others
eyes.  Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man
she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered: "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now..

 

 __________________________________________________

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5514

 

Chuckle 5514 Classic

Chuckle 25  (Sent in Mar. 2002 (Source Unknown)

~Chicken!!~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

   An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

   The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Where ever I go, Chuckie goes."

  "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "we can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.

   The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

  "Marge," whispered Mildred.

  "What?" said Marge.

 "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

  "What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

 "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

  "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen them all."

  "Yes," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn."
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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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_ 

Chuckle 5513

 

Chuckle 5513

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev in Mt. Vernon WA)

~Racism~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you from Newfoundland ?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?”

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage, why did you ask me if I'm from Newfoundland ?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Hardware."

 

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5512

 

Chuckle 5512 Classic

 Chuckle 24 

(Thanks to John and Jayne)

 ~Bran Muffins~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

    The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

   One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them
inside.

  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and
fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the
closet.

  They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to
Heaven. This will be your home now."

 

  The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

  "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your
reward in Heaven."

  The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any
ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old
man.

   "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for
free, everyday."

  Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet
lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from
seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.



"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is
Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

  The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his
wife.

  "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods,
and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

  "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat
and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never
get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your

bran muffins. We could have been here ten
years ago."

_____________________________________________

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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More from Nancy in Sun City AZ