Chuckle 1451

Chuckle 1451
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~How Rubber Gloves are Made~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this!

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" ***

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.

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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1450

Chuckle 1450
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Paso Robles CA!)


~Diagnosis~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"***


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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Chuckle 1449

Chuckle 1449
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)

"Duck Hunter"

~Tennessee Duck Hunting~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old goat. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." ***

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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:


16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1448

Chuckle 1448
Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~ TICK WARNING! ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around in front of them with your arms up.

DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.


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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Chuckle 1447

Chuckle 1447
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Surely I Can't Look That Old~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" well...? You'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm .or could he???

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" i asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed!

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled man asked,

"What did you teach?" ***

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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1446

Chuckle 1446
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)

~Scotch~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?

"No," said the little boy. . . "It's a puppy!" ***

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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
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Chuckle 1445

Chuckle 1445
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~To Be Six Again~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. ***

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT. ---Phyllis---


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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1444

Chuckle 1444
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Running Doe~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Running Doe- A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for the South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called ....


>


>


(You know me; I hate to do this to you)

>


>

(I really do hate to do this to you.... LIKE HECK!!!!! I love it!)

>

>

>

>



"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"...!!! ***


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Deep thoughts from Bev L of Florence OR for those who take life way too seriously:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like. Night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Chuckle 1443

Chuckle 1443
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

Can you tell the difference between a horse and a frog? Look closely...

(You may have to lean your head to the right a bit.)

This is the neatest thing I've seen in my email in a while. ---Bev---
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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

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Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1442

Chuckle 1442
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Amazing~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An Oregon senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-5, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Oregon State Trooper behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Oregon State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. ***


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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

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I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Chuckle 1441

Chuckle 1441
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~Urinal is too High~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs)
to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, "he replied."I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh. ***


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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been friends for a very long time...
Let's say we stop?
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1440

Chuckle 1440
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~New Plan~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

My mailbox is being flooded with email, concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not? To provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not?

Since I've become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, the Democrats & the Independant's, etc., I've decided to solve the problems as they affect me.

I've decided to hire illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then, I'll pay them in pesos so that they have to go home to spend them.

I love it when a plan comes together. ***

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

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Chuckle 1439

Chuckle 1439
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Ice Fishing~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
***
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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1438

Chuckle 1438
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Automobile Air-conditioner~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm", "Hi", and "Max". ***

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you..
I've changed my mind.
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Chuckle 1437

Chuckle 1437
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)

~What's Bothering You?~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' ***


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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder.....
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1436

Chuckle 1436
(Rich W of Pasa Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Honeymoon Willie~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,"Look at this, still in the CRATE!" ***

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chuckle 1435

Chuckle 1435
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Amen~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass is it?" Again the little boy nodded.

Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain that to your grandmother." ***

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~Goodbye Rodney~ Jayne C of Florence OR has generously offered to share this compilation of Dangerfield chuckles.


My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1434

Chuckle 1434
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)


~Hitchhikers~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexican put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Mexican eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they already managed to steal a motorbike." ***


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~Goodbye Rodney~ Jayne C of Florence OR has generously offered to share this compilation of Dangerfield chuckles.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
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Chuckle 1433

Chuckle 1433
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Ferrari~

~Italian Pregnancy~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! "The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and$2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You do her again."

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~Goodbye Rodney~ Jayne C of Florence OR has generously offered to share this compilation of Dangerfield chuckles.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1432

Chuckle 1432
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~Flower Show ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower Show was in progress.

One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement." ***

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~Goodbye Rodney~ Jayne C of Florence OR has generously offered to share this compilation of Dangerfield chuckles.

I knew a girl so ugly they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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Chuckle 1431

Chuckle 1431
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~A Happy Woman ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

"The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied ***

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~Goodbye Rodney~ Jayne C of Florence OR has generously offered to share this compilation of Dangerfield chuckles.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1430

Look for tomorrow's chuckle in the afternoon!

Chuckle 1430
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~Hip Surgery~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following day.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet. ***

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~Goodbye Rodney~ Jayne C of Florence OR has generously offered to share this compilation of Dangerfield chuckles.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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Chuckle 1429

Chuckle 1429
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Carrie M of Sacramento CA!)

~Patriotic Duty~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM, Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. ***

God bless America.

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on!

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~Goodbye Rodney~ Jayne C of Florence OR has generously offered to share this compilation of Dangerfield chuckles.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I Went over. Nobody was home!
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)