Chuckle 1621

Chuckle 1621
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Ferrari~

~Italian Pregnancy~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...

"You gonna try again." ***


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Thanks go to Rich C of Yume AZ who has come up with this compilation of Burma-Shave signs.

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1620

Chuckle 1620
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)


~Goldilocks ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table."
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water."
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
________________________________________________

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~Thoughts from Maxine~
(Sent to us by Jayne C of Florence OR


26 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1619

Chuckle 1619
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~Hunting~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

After a while the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered: "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'" "Well, I guess I just panicked . . " ***


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~Thoughts from Maxine~
(Sent to us by Jayne C of Florence OR


21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
24 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1618

Chuckle 1618
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Seniors Breakfast Special ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special"
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then." my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once! ***

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~Thoughts from Maxine~
(Sent to us by Jayne C of Florence OR



17.. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18 . Procrastinate now!
19.. I have a degree in liberal arts; Do you want fries with that?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1617

Chuckle 1617
(Willie F of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Gay Flight Attendant~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch." ***


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~Thoughts from Maxine~
(Sent to us by Jayne C of Florence OR


13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1616

Chuckle 1616
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~Water vs. Wine~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. WATER = Doo Doo WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service. Have a nice day... ***

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~Thoughts from Maxine~
(Sent to us by Jayne C of Florence OR


9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1615

Chuckle 1615
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Demise of the Office Christmas Party~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

December 1 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar,
but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

December 2 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
important holiday which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time. Happy now?


December 3 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a nondrinking table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but
if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?


December 7 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes
the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party the days
are so short this time of year or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that
work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Did I miss anything?


December 8 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tapdance on your heads? Fire
regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our
"earth based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try
to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks. Okay???


December 9 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?


December 10 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have
feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!


December 14 Memo

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress related illness and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone...


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~Thoughts from Maxine~
(Sent to us by Jayne C of Florence OR



5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1614

Chuckle 1614
(Goldie C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Weeweechu~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged. 'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....


'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year.'

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.. ***

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~Thoughts from Maxine~
(Sent to us by Jayne C of Florence OR

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

_______________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1613

Chuckle 1613
(Retha gets of Richland OR today's chuckle thanks!)


~Environmentalist in Pain! ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down." ***

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George H of Florence OR gets our thanks for sharing these awards with us!

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.

Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out.

As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the
22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.

The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicles off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1612

Chuckle 1612
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~On the Lighter Side of Golfing~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you..

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. ***

SENIOR'S DAY AT THE COURSE



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George H of Florence OR gets our thanks for sharing these awards with us!

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko,
55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
_______________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1611

Chuckle 1611
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)


~Lipstick in School ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.


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George H of Florence OR gets our thanks for sharing these awards with us!

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural<>Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1610

Chuckle 1610
(Goldie C of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~SILK PAJAMAS~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a Long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer................


V


V


V


The wife replies, -- "I did, they're in your tackle box


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DARWIN AWARDS 2007

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolinas electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
_______________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1609

Chuckle 1609
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)
[Rick sent this to me on August 31, 2001. It's been around the block several times since then but is still a classic. Enjoy. ---Jerry---]


~Why are you down? ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail"?

"Yes I do". She said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."
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DARWIN AWARDS 2007

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1608

Chuckle 1608
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~A few Senior Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?""

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." ***

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George H of Florence OR gets our thanks for sharing these awards with us!

DARWIN AWARDS 2007

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC... Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1607

Chuckle 1607
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Bear in the Woods~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen." ***


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DARWIN AWARDS 2007

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft".
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1606

Chuckle 1606
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Moose up a Pole~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Without the picture, this would be hard to believe. Read below...

Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks, Alaska "They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them. They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. He was a huge 60 inch bull and slightly peeved!" ***

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DARWIN AWARDS 2007 And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nominees are:

Nominee No. 1 : [ San Jose Mercury News]: A unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1605

Chuckle 1605
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Two Wolves~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self- pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grand son thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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Jayne C of Florence gets our thanks for sharing these
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
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(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1604

Chuckle 1604
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)


~Boudreaux ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.

He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux prie d his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.

He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
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Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1603

Chuckle 1603
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Willie F of Sacramento CA!)


~Never Tick off a Nurse ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse inserts the thermometer, he heard her announce,

"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. ? He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. ? After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed ......."Not with a carnation" ***


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Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1602

Chuckle 1602
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Drive thru Confessional~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,' You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'


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Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to o take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1601

Chuckle 1601
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Two Wishes~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say." ***

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Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
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Find the 6 differences.

Chuckle 1600

Chuckle 1600
(How about that, 1600!!! I suppose this is some sort of milestone.)
(Today's chuckle and milestone setter thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~Maxine's Living Will~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Chocolate
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Chocolate
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

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In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are immigrants that have arrived recently. _______________________________________________________


"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1599

Chuckle 1599
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Two from Rick~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Church:
A man went to a Catholic church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the priest's hand. He said "Father, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The priest said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The priest said, "No shit?"
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Pancakes:
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father." ***


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Jayne C of Florence gets our thanks for sharing these
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

Butterflies taste with their feet.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)