Chuckle 2473

Chuckle 2473
Pat M of Florence OR gets todays chuckle thanks



~The Little Boy and the Potty~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while." Billy says: "I’m fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty' yet." mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "works for ketchup."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________



(Maxine from Lora’s own collection.)



We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
________________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2472

Chuckle 2472 This was sent out as number 435
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,

drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan!



This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_____________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from Lora’s own collection.)



The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

___________________________________________________________



(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2469

Chuckle 2469
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Three from Linda~

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'.



This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_____________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from Lora)



Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

__________________________________________________________________________
(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2468

Chuckle 2468
(Jayne C of? gets today's chuckle thanks.) (Sent Feb. 4 2001)



~ Hearing Problem ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine, and Redneck


A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________



(Maxine from my own collection.)






_________________________________________________________

(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA sent this to me on Apr. 3rd 2001.)

You’re a Redneck when :

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your spouse can climb a tree faster than your cat.



________________________________________________________


Have a nice Day!

Chuckle 2467

Chuckle 2467
(Anon gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Waiting for business in San Fran

("The Brothel" Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.")

_________________________________________________________
Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2465

Chuckle 2465
Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~'You've been out Drinking Again"~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to - pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!” Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2464

Chuckle 2464
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Waterproof remote!




~The Bitter Truth! ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,



A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife. For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.” You already know how to play golf!"



This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
___________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

Something New!

(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA sent this to me on Apr. 3rd 2001.)

(You’re a Redneck when)

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

_________________________________________

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2462

Chuckle 2462
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~HOLY EMAIL~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_______________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

___________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


________________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2461

Chuckle 2461
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



Sent: Wednesday, November 29, 2000 (Hey! That was my 70th BD):

~ BLONDES ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Farm saying.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 2Oth floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the

Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

=The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch,"

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________
Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


________________________________________________________

Saying from the mouths old time farmers.

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

________________________________________________________

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2461

Chuckle 2460
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The History of ‘APRONS’~ This should bring a smile to older chuckle circle members. I can remember a lot of this stuff, can you? ---Jerry---

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)







Remember making an apron in Home Ec? Read below:


I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears....

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folks knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.

I never caught anything from an apron!

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

____________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/


________________________________________________________
(Maxine from my own collection.)



_____________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2459

Chuckle 2459
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)




~RETARDED GRANDPARENTS ~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

(This was actually reported by a teacher.)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones, who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________
(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2458

Chuckle 2458 (Was sent to me in Feb 2001)
(Another Anon gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~ WHY GOD LOVES BLONDES~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Farm sayings.

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... .''God please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto.

Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi again prays... ''God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car, ''

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... '' Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me'?? l’ve ‘lost my business my houses my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help and l have always been a good servant to you.

PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so l can get my of life back in order ('Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...

''Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_____________________________________________________________


Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

__________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_________________________________________________________



Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor...
From Bev L of Mt Vernon WA



“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”



“Always drink upstream from the herd.”



“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

_________________________________________________________







(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2457

Chuckle2457
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~As You Slide Down the Banister of Life~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010- Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called........ 'Ministers Do More than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat and drink and be Mary...

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

6. It used to be only death and taxes now; of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.



8. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

9. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________


Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________



(Maxine from my own collection.)


_______________________________________________________

~Farm Sayings~

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

_________________________________________________________



(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2455

Chuckle 2455
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Daddy Long Legs~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Farm sayings

Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching. ---Keith---



A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? She asked..

They’re mating, her father replied.

What do you call the spider on top? She asked.

That is a Daddy Longlegs, her father answered.

So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs? The little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. Well, she said, that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit in Wisconsin.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_________________________________________________________

Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor...
From Bev L of Mt Vernon WA

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, and then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don’t interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

_________________________________________________________

Have a Nice One

Chuckle 2453

Chuckle 2453
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~DADDY'S CAR IN THE WOODS ~(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and farm sayings.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunty Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.’ Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunty Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunty Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunty Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunty Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunty Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunty Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunty Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, and then Aunty Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

Maxine


________________________________________________________



Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor...
From Bev L of Mt Vernon WA



“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t ever gonna happen anyway.”

“Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
________________________________________________________

Have a Good One!!