Chuckle 4117

Chuckle 4117
Chuckle 183 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

~Mexican Jews~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

(Today’s Chuckle comes to us from way down in Yuma AZ. Thanks go to Rich and Flo!)

  Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.  Sid asked Al if there were any Jewish people in Mexico. Sid said he didn't know, but he'd ask the waiter, which he did.

  The waiter told him he didn't know, but he would ask and promptly went into the kitchen. When he came out he said, no, no Mexican Jews.

  Al asked him if he was sure and the waiter said he would check again. While he was gone, Sid told Al that he couldn't believe that there were no Jews in Mexico. He said our people are scattered everywhere.

  But the waiter came back and said, no, no Mexican Jews.
Al asked him if he was really sure. Because he couldn't believe there are no Mexican Jews.

  The waiter became exasperated and said, "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no Mexican Jews!”

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 _______________________________________________

Maxine

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Chuckle 4116

Chuckle 4116
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Something Terrible is Happening~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I   have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked,

"What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.   What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?" The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

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 __________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

 

Chuckle 4115

Chuckle 4115 Classic
Chuckle 127 (Sent out in Oct 2003)

(This chuckle comes to us from Sandy Jackson of Florence, OR., Thanks Sandy!)

Note: This one has been around for a while as have a lot of others I’ve sent. Most are worth rereading again, and if it doesn’t make you chuckle or smile, say “Cheese”. 

---Jerry---

 

~Canadian Blonde:~  (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

  Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the
street  so the snow plough can get through."

   Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through.

  Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........."

Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"

   With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

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________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Chuckle 4114

Chuckle 4114
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Anonymous)

~Church Ladies and Their Typewriters~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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______________________________________________ 

Maxine

_______________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4113

Chuckle 4113
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~An Irish Priest and golf~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

 An Irish Priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

 The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

 The good Sister told him to watch his language.

 On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

 "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

 The priest promised to do better and the

The round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again.

The usual comment followed.

 Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like
that."

 On the next tee, Father John swings and
misses again. "Shit, I missed."

 A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead
in her tracks.

 And from the sky comes a booming voice.

 

 

 

"Shit, I missed."

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___________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Chuckle 4112

Chuckle 4112
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

~"Free Sex with Fill-Up. ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read,

"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

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___________________________________________ 

Maxine

__________________________________________________


Herman

Chuckle4111

Chuckle 4111 Classic
Chuckle 140 (Sent out in Nov 2003)

(Thanks for this chuckle go to Rich and Flo from down in Yuma, AZ.)

Globalization? (: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a Canadian citizen, using Bill Gates' technology and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization!

*************************************************

(Shorty from Rick):

 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

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 ________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 4110

Chuckle 4110 Classic
Chuckle 104 (Sent out in Sept 2003)

(Thanks go to Dean and Dee O of Florence, OR. for this Chuckle.)

~What Happened Today: ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still

in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door

of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
    A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was

loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing . In the

kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass

lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the
stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
   He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
   He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him,

smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
   She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

  "Yes" was his incredulous reply.

  She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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 ________________________________________________________

Maxine    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                         

___________________________________________________________                                                              

Herman

 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 4109

Chuckle 4109
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~3 Short ones~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene    commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

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______________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Chuckle 4108

Chuckle 4108
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Jane C of Florence OR)

~Dead Pilot~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day,
Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.  The pilot has a heart attack and dies.  She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.  "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!" She then hears a voice on the radio saying:  "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you  back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary" "O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"  ______________________________________________________   (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/  ___________________________________________________ Maxine                     ______________________________________________________   Herman

 

 

Chuckle 4107

Chuckle 4107
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

This is a conversation between a man and his wife.  Please note
that she asks 5 or 6 questions which I answered quite simply and she is
speechless after answering only one question.  I’ll bet this happens
more often than not to most husbands out there, I’m just saying. --- Ron---

 ~Critical Thinking at its Best! ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

 Woman: How many beers a day?

 Man: Usually about 3

 Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

 Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)

 Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

 Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450.00.  In one year it would be appoximately
$5,400, correct?

 Man: Correct

 Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

 Man: Correct

 Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
  Ferrari?

 Man: Do you drink beer?

 Woman: No.

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

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 ________________________________________________

Maxine 

_____________________________________________________

Spot the 6 diff's