Chuckle 1421

Chuckle 1421
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)


~Two Short Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." ***

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~Paddy was in New York~

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" ***

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Our new subject is "Proof That the World Is Nuts"
This series of facts was compiled and sent to us by Nadine W of Carpinteria CA (The comments are from Nadine of course!)


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. ***


(Ah! Justice!)

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1420

Chuckle 1420
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Pancakes ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."


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Our new subject is "Proof That the World Is Nuts"
This series of facts was compiled and sent to us by Nadine W of Carpinteria CA (The comments are from Nadine of course!)


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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Chuckle 1419

Chuckle 1419
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)

~Retarded Grandparents ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.

They go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

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Our new subject is "Proof That the World Is Nuts"
This series of facts was compiled and sent to us by Nadine W of Carpinteria CA (The comments are from Nadine of course!)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.


(A brick?)
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1418

Chuckle 1418
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today." ***

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Our new subject is "Proof That the World Is Nuts"
This series of facts was compiled and sent to us by Nadine W of Carpinteria CA

(The comments are from Nadine of course!)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
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Chuckle 1417

Chuckle 1417
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)
























~Physical Examination~ (2nd time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the
doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The
doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such
good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got
to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he
golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive,
he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's
more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when
he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said,
"I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning
because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a
118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?" ________________________________________________________________
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Our new subject is "Proof That the World Is Nuts"
This series of facts was compiled and sent to us by Nadine W of Carpinteria CA
(The comments are from Nadine of course!)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1419

Chuckle 1416
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Computer Frustration~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry...

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer r: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the
7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ***

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Yuma's own Rich C compiled this collection of blonde stories. He calls
the compilation "7degrees of Blonde."

SEVENTH DEGREE:

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

OK. Now forward this to someone else who needs a laugh today!

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Chuckle 1415

Chuckle 1415
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)

~State Employee~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

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Yuma's own Rich C compiled this collection of blonde stories. He calls
the compilation "7 Degrees of Blonde."

SIXTH DEGREE:

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1414

Chuckle 1414
(Rich W of Pasa Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~50th Wedding Anniversary~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..." Lugi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go an-a pick her up from Italy and bring her back." ***

(Note; This one reminds me of the guy who left his wife in China, Hum!) ---Jerry---


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Yuma's own Rich C compiled this collection of blonde stories. He calls
the compilation "7degrees of Blonde."

FIFTH DEGREE:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"
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Chuckle 1413

Chuckle 1413
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)

~Lamaze Class~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" ***

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Yuma's own Rich C compiled this collection of blonde stories. He calls
the compilation "7degrees of Blonde."


FOURTH DEGREE:

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1412

Chuckle 1412

(Sunny Mary of Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Baptizing a Drunk ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" ***

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Yuma's own Rich C compiled this collection of blonde stories. He calls
the compilation "7degrees of Blonde."

THIRD DEGREE:

A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!" ***
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Chuckle 1411

Your next chuckle will be sent on Tuesday! ---Mr. Chuckles---

Chuckle 1411
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~The Census~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, thare's the twins, Sally and Billy, tha're
thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, tha're twenty-six. And the twins,
Penny and Jenny, tha're twenty-four . "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundruds an huhdruds of
times we didn't get nothin." ***

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Yuma's own Rich C compiled this collection of blonde stories. He calls
the compilation "7degrees of Blonde."

SECOND DEGREE:

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!" ***
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1410

Chuckle 1410
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~For All You Golfers~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said "I eat, sleep, and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now. "

"Dorothy responded, "Well, if we're being totally honest with each other- here goes -I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off. ***


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Yuma's own Rich C compiled this collection of blonde stories. He calls
the compilation "7 Degrees of Blonde."

FIRST DEGREE:

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
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Chuckle 1409

Chuckle 1409 Thursday, May 17, 2007
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)

~Old Mule~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing and to make certain that lasted a long time, he did so with an old mule.

One day when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch and almost immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Suddenly the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her in the back of her head, killing her dead on the spot.

At the funeral, the minister noticed that when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement. But when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. After the funeral, the minister asked the old farmer why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement. But the men, well they wanted to know if the mule was for sale." ***


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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
famous people.

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
_____________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1408

Chuckle 1408
(Marlene W O Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Merits of the Case~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon .. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
famous people.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain
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Cchuckle 1407

Chuckle 1407 Tuesday, May 15, 2007
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~The Dog Died~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?" ***

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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
famous people.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1406

Chuckle 1406 Monday, May 14, 2007
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Bull Pills~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A farmer in Culpeper, VA went to the local branch of Wachovia Bank to Borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a Look at the bull.

Next week Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He even broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows! He's been servicing just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint." ***


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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
famous people.

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan
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Chuckle 1405

Chuckle 1405
Sunday, May 13, 2007

(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)


~Little Johnny Strikes Again~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word " fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried. ***

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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
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Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1404

Chuckle 1404 Saturday, May 12, 2007
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Resimay ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum acounting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly, Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

Employer's response: Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check! ***


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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
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If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -P.J O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)
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Chuckle 1403

Chuckle 1403 Friday, May 11, 2007
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sandy J of Florence OR!)


~A New Pastor~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his Congregation. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." ***

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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
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Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers
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Chuckle 1402

Chuckle 1402 Thursday, May 10, 2007
(Scott Barns of Rancho Cordova CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Where to Park~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today you must park ..." Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says.

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" ***

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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
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Chuckle 1401

Chuckle 1401
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)

~Community Service~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right... ***

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Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1400

Chuckle 1400
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Moe & Joe~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball up there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, " Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling yo u, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it
never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday." ***

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Sandy J of Florence OR compiled this group of quotes from
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A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -.George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy
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Chuckle 1399

Chuckle 1399
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charlotte P of North Bend OR!)

~MARRIAGE COUNSELING SOUTHERN STYLE~

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Earl and Bubba two guys from Elmore County are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."



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Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain


I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1398

Chuckle 1398
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Political Corruption Trial~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Madam, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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~These Idiot Reports were compiled by Jayne C of Florence OR~

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi.
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Chuckle 1397

Chuckle 1397
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Pasa Robles CA!)

~Grandma's Boyfriend~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started bangin' the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted. ***

Now, that right there is funny.....I don't care who you are!

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~These Idiot Reports were compiled by Jayne C of Florence OR~

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)