Chuckle 1560

Chuckle 1560
(Willie F of Sacramento CA and Phyllis S of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks!)

" Have a Happy Halloween"

~Bed Sheets~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! ***

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Joyce K of Florence AZ shares he thoughts on; "HOW TO STAY YOUNG "

Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your driver's license.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
________________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1559

Chuckle 1559
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Restaurant Consultants Recommendations~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

See, I knew you needed a laugh..

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Joyce K of Florence AZ shares he thoughts on; "HOW TO STAY YOUNG "

Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your driver's license.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
_________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1558

Chuckle 1558
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)



~Ten Year Old Boy Blues~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.' ***
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Willie F of Sacramento CA writes: What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907:

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read o r write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1557

Chuckle 1557
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

Sometimes It's Good To Be Patient.....
I'll wait. You just go ahead.....

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Willie F of Sacramento CA writes: What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907:

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet
________________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1556

Chuckle 1556
(Willie F of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Two Blind Pilots~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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Willie F of Sacramento CA writes: What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907:

Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1555

Chuckle 1555
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!)

~Grandpa~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An old man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying and at times screaming at the top of his lungs.

As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice...

'We are almost done, Albert... Try not to cry, Albert... Life will get better, Albert...'

As he approached the checkout stand, he carefully brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes and said again? 'Try not to cry, Albert... We will be home soon, Albert...'

As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry as a young woman in line behind him said, 'sir, i think it is wonderful how sweet you are being to your little Albert.'

The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying, 'miss, my grandson's name is john... I'm Albert....................................... ***

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Willie F of Sacramento CA writes: What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907 :

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st Most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. Was 22 Cents per hour. The average U.S Worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist made $2,500 per year, A veterinarian $1,500 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. Took place at HOME.
________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1554

Chuckle 1554
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Just One Wish!!!!!~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how a I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want that bridge two lanes or four lanes?" ***

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Willie F of Sacramento CA writes: What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907:

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1553

Chuckle 1553
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

(Note: For a better view of the daily chuckle and for you
people who can't get embedded pictures click Mr. Chuckles.)
Mr. Chuckles

~NEWS BROADCAST~

~Bobbitt Family Update~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with......

>




>




>




A Misdewiener! ***

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Willie F of Sacramento CA writes: What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907 :
*******************************************************************************

The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City Cost eleven dollars.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1552

Chuckle 1552
(GGBG of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~If My Body Were A Car!!! ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.. But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. ... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! ***

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1551

Chuckle 1551
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~New Watch~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A Montana cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast".

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

WOMEN vs. MEN

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1550

Chuckle 1550
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Bubba and Junior~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Bubba and Junior (Mississippi mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and
laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, 6 inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of the New Orleans levees.***

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

WOMEN vs. MEN

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

_______________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1549

Chuckle 1549
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)

~Dear Tide~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.***

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

WOMEN vs. MEN

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1548

Chuckle 1548
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Two Irish Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

********************************************************************************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" ***

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

WOMEN vs. MEN

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.


6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1547

Chuckle 1547
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)




~Early Halloween Story~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER... FASTER...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

Clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

And, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

>


>


>


>


The coffin stops.

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

WOMEN vs. MEN

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.


4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Sorry; Tech prob holding up todays 6 Diff.

Chuckle 1546

Chuckle 1546
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)


~Are you Kathlick? ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Three little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians." ***

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

WOMEN vs. MEN


2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1544

Chuckle 1545
(Unknown sender gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Goldfish Burial~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

***

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Retha has come up with these activities which she has witnessed over the years!

WOMEN vs. MEN

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1544

Chuckle 1544
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~3 Men Crossing A River ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river"

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"

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Through a time machine, Rick R of Surrey BC was able to retrieve these headlines for the year 2029

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1543

Chuckle 1543
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)


~Two Irish Chuckles~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

~Paddy was in New York. ~

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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~Irish Priest~

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"***

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(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

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(Word for the Day)
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Through a time machine, Rick R of Surrey BC was able to retrieve these headlines for the year 2029

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1542

Chuckle 1542
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Creating Life ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting ... show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"No, no, no.." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."


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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
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Through a time machine, Rick R of Surrey BC was able to retrieve these headlines for the year 2029

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1541

Chuckle 1541
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Airline Reservations~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________


Through a time machine, Rick R of Surrey BC was able to retrieve these headlines for the year 2029

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1540

Chuckle 1540
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

"A Somali arrives in Toronto"

~Nominee for Best CANADIAN Chuckle of the year~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.

She stops the first person she sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Jamaican."

The woman goes on and encounters another passerby." Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!"

The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person she sees she stops, Shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Canada!"

That person puts up his hand and says," I am from Middle East, I am Not Canadian!"

She finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a Canadian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, she asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
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Through a time machine, Rick R of Surrey BC was able to retrieve these headlines for the year 2029

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1539

Chuckle 1539
(Char S of Dayton WA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Trip to Rome~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

When negative people do their best to rain on your parade;

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo........

The hairdresser asked, "Well, how was your trip to Rome?"

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!

They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said:

"Where'd you get the shitty hairdo? ***


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(Word for the Day)
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Through a time machine, Rick R of Surrey BC was able to retrieve these headlines for the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1538

Chuckle 1538
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)

~Temporarily Unavailable~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

If you need me today, I'm afraid I will be unavailable.

I am going to be standing in front of a mirror practicing this look.

And once I have it mastered I should be able to get away with ANYTHING!
***

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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
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Thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL for these Rodney Dangerfield one liners.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; last night she called me from Chicago.

My wife is so cold that when it comes to having Sex, every time she spreads her legs the furnace kicks on.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1537

Chuckle 1537
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Confession~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says,

"Now, don't you think that's a little more professional than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?" ***



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Thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL for these Rodney Dangerfield one liners.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him "Why?". He said "because you came home early."

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)