Chuckle 1681

Chuckle 1681
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Sunday Clothes~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and Six Differences.)

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy.

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home, ' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Lutheran church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked.

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Lutheran and a Catholic!!! ***


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Chuckle Gem

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers. (From Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA.) Thanks Phyl!!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1680

Chuckle 1680
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)

(Oregon Wife)


~Oregon Wife~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today's Horoscope.)

Three men from Texas were sitting together one day bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Oregon. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher... ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share her woes by
writing this summary of my last year on the computer. Thanks Char!!

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....AND

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1679

Chuckle 1679
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~Open Casket~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and Six Differences.)

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!' ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share her woes by
writing this summary of my last year on the computer. Thanks Char!!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.
I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1678

Chuckle 1678
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Gary B of La Habra CA!)

~Clock Shop~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today's Horoscope.)

An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town. He was then directed
toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard.

TOURIST: Hello.

JEWISH MAN: Hello.

TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.

JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.

TOURIST: What's a Mohel?

JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual
circumcisions.

TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those
clocks in the window?

JEWISH MAN: So what would you want me to have in my window?***

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Chuckle Gems.

Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share her woes by
writing this summary of my last year on the computer. Thanks Char!!

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1677

Chuckle 1677
(Jo R of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~The Exam ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and Six Differences.)

An old man went to the doctors and his wife went with him.

After the doctor did his examination he said to the old man. I will need a sperm sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample.

The old man looked over at his wife and asked; "What did he say?"

The old lady leaned over and hollered in his ear; "JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"


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Chuckle Gems.

Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share her woes by
writing this summary of my last year on the computer. Thanks Char!!

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1676

Chuckle 1676
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)


~Bet You Didn't Know This ......~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today's Horoscope.)

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying. ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share

her woes by writing this summary of my last year

on the computer. Thanks Char!!

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the

microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1675

Chuckle 1675
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Little Elderly Lady~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and Six Differences.)

A little elderly Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Maam, the Crisco is in aisle 3." The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"

The elderly Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass..." ***
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Chuckle Gems.

Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share her woes by
writing this summary of my last year on the computer. Thanks Char!!

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)
.

Chuckle 1674

Chuckle 1674
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)

(Note: While you are on my blog you might like to visit
The Norwood's link on the right side; They have all sorts of free
downloads, computer lessons, picture puzzles, interesting things
to see here in Florence, live pictures of our light house and water front,

many photos of their husband and wife combo that play at the

Elk's lodge on weekends.)

~A Minnesotan in Paris~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today's Horoscope.)

Ole, a furniture dealer from Brainerd, MN, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro to have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in French which Ole couldn't understand, so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. ***



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Chuckle Gems.
Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share her woes by
writing this summary of my last year on the computer. Thanks Char!!

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1673

Chuckle 1673
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Bill and Sam~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and Six Differences.)

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was Unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury! ***

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Chuckle Gems

Charlene S of Florence OR has decided to share her woes by
writing this summary of my last year on the computer. Thanks Char!!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Micro soft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1672

Chuckle 1672
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

"Small"

~Yes, Size Matters~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today's Horoscope.)

.


Sometimes it is better to have a small one!!!!!

.
..Continue scrolling.....

.

.

.

What did you expect???? ***

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Chuckle Gems.
Lora S of Florence OR gets our thanks for this set of Why, Why, Why!!

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you Stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-Iaw jokes?

AND MY FAVORITE;

The Statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental iIIness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you. ***
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1671

Chuckle 1671
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Goldie C of Florence OR!)


~Cajun Pregnancy~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and Six Differences.)

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand?"

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Holdon, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"

His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a dang good ting we didn't use no

WD-forty." ***


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Chuckle Gems.
Lora S of Florence OR gets our thanks for this set of Why, Why, Why!!

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1670

Chuckle 1670
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~On A Dark and Foggy Night~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today's Horoscope.)

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP..


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...




FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.


The casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


On his heels, the terrified man turns and runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

>


and,

>


>


>




The coffin stops! ***


(Oh shut up! I thought it was funny.) ---Jayne---

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Chuckle Gems.

Lora S of Florence OR gets our thanks for this set of Why, Why, Why!!

Whose idea was it to put an's' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are -there Still apes?
Why is it -that no matter what color bubble bath YOU use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1669
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Willie F of Sacramento CA!)

~Medical Check Up~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old
said,' Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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NEW!!!
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Chuckle Gems
Lora S of Florence OR gets our thanks for this set of Why, Why, Why!!
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman Stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when YOU throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1668

Chuckle 1668
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Best Slogan~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A little elderly lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $2,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms..I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house...a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is her entry:

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Chuckle Gems.
Lora S of Florence OR gets our thanks for this set of Why, Why, Why!!

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion Stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1667

Chuckle 1667
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Wrong Email Address~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here! ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for;
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.

They will get a kick out of it
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1666

"Have a nice Valentine's Day!"
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Chuckle 1666
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)


~Poison~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

"My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?"

The man then pleads, "I don't know why, but I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi thinks a bit, and then says, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours. You want my advice?"

"Yes, yes, of course." said the man.

The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for;
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
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Chuckle 1665

Chuckle 1665
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

Note: This chuckle was sent out as Chuckle 515. Nadine hasn't sent me any chuckles lately so let's go back in time to 11-19-2004.
---Jerry---


~Catholic Mothers~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Four catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how: wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My: son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him: 'Father'.": The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he: walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.": The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my: son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your: Eminence'.": The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. : The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son: is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. : Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'" ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for;
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1664

Chuckle 1664
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA!)

~Looking for a Job~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! 'The social worker said, ' Yeah, well. . You started it.' ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for;
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1663

Chuckle 1663
(Cecil R of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Purina Dog Chow~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this .?

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

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Chuckle Gems:

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for;
Weird Things You Would Never Know!! (But do now!)

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1622

Chuckle 1662
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Our Origins~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed. The confused girl returns to her mother and says:

Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers:

Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side... ***
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Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1661

Chuckle 1661
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)

~Two Chuckles from PAT~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

(I wish I'd thought of this... ---Pat---)

At a high School in Montana a group of high schooler's played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
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~Catholic Gasoline~ (2nd time around)

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients. When she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until It was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way To see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked Back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann Carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with Gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!" ***


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Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1660

Chuckle 1660
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Threesome~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
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Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for;
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On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1659

Chuckle 1659
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~Dog Pack Attacks Gator in Florida~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.


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Not for the squeamish!


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Laughter is good for the soul. Have a Great Day! ***


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Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)