Chuckle 1303

Chuckle 1303
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Time for Marriage~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, and then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked............ "Is that one word or two?" ***


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~Things we should all know!!~

* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

* Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1302

Chuckle 1302
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)


~Little Bruce and Jenny~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just
know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get
married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has
put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything
all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you
do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been
lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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~Things we should all know!!~

* On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
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Chuckle 1302

Chuckle 1301
(Today's chuckle thanks go to GGBG of Florence OR!)
This is a gotta laugh chuckle~



~How'd You Break Your Arm?~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest- room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit it's panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighted her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice he assured her.

The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual view for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently

with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.

"So how'd you break your arm?" ***


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~Things we should all know!!~

* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1300

Chuckle 1300
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~~21st Birthday~~

~Family Tradition~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

All of his life, George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July." ***

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(~Things we should all know!!~)

* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

* A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
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Chuckle 1299

Chuckle 1299
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)

~ Pull, Buddy ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try." ***

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(~Things we should all know!!~)

* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at
home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1298

Chuckle 1298
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Hearing Good News~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A man calls his lawyer's office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week."

The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor.

The receptionist says, "Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died."

The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer.

The receptionist gets angry and says "Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?"

The man then answers "I like hearing good news when I call my lawyer's office." ***

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~Things we should all know!!~

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
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Chuckle 1297

Chuckle 1297
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!)


~Me and the Doctors~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Thought I'd let my doctor see me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. .

All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.

What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple of tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.

He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.

Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.!

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,

While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,

And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.

What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE!!!***

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~Things we should all know!!~

* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1296

Chuckle 1296
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Affairs ~ (Part 2)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to" his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
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~Things we should all know!!~

* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
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Chuckle 1294

Chuckle 1295
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~The Affairs ~ (Part 1)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you and you won't believe it," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" ***
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~Things we should all know!!~

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, or purple.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1294

Chuckle 1294
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~The Puddy Tat-in-Law! ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! I don't have one and I laughed out loud!!

We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. I phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and, as we opened the front door to leave the house, the cat scoots back into the house. I didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that I was just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother and will be out soon.

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car... ***

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~Things we should all know!!~

*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
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Chuckle 1293

Chuckle 1293
(Anonymous of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~Married Life~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face? " She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? ***


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~Things we should all know!!~

*The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

*All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1292

Chuckle 1292
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)
(Note: For a better view of the daily chuckle and for you
people who can't get embedded pictures click Mr. Chuckles.)
Mr. Chuckles

Sounds like a good idea to me!

~Maxine's Solution to Problems~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.------
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? ***

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~Things we should all know!!~

*There are more chickens than people in the world.

*Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
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Chuckle 1291

Chuckle 1291
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ!)

~Marriage Secret~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said," that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls." ***

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~Things we should all know!!~

*The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
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Find the 6 differences

Chuckle 1290

Chuckle 1290
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~50th Anniversary~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Ralph replied, "I'm going to go get her." ***

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~Things we should all know!!~

*The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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Chuckle 1289

Chuckle 1289
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)


~In Honor of Stupid People~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I guess we need to start passing out signs. In Honor of Stupid People.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
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On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
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On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
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On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
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On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
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On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
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On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
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On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
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On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
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On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
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On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
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On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
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On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
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On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
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On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God. was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) ***
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After much time in research George H of Florence has come up with a series of things which we should all know!! You did a nice job on this
assignment, and you shall receive an A+.

(~Things we should all know!!~)

*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
___________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1288

Chuckle 1288
(GGBG of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Sausages~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A guy asks the store clerk, "On what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot." ***

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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest up to God
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Chuckle 1287

Chuckle 1287
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)



~Help~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Hi: You may be able to help me. As always, when I need advice or counsel I turn to my most trusted friends.

I do this because I know you will always be candid and honest with me.

I need your opinion on something that has been bothering me for some time now. I am counting on you so please don't let our long lasting friendship influence your answer. Thanks in advance!

Does this bikini make my butt look too big???

Hope this put a smile on your face! See picture below.








BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

* Good judgment comes from experience, & a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1286

Chuckle 1286
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Longest War~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that; Father She started to repay me with sexual favors." The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest."Should I tell her the war is over?" ***
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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

* Don't fix it if it ain't broke.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.
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Chuckle 1285

Chuckle 1285
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)


~SUV~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I just got my new SUV, but returned to the Dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the Radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch This!" He said, "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" He continued...and On The Road Again! Came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd Say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I Said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs. I had a narrow escape yesterday when a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car. Swerving in time to avoid them I stuck my head out the window and yelled ..."ASSHOLES! The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda, Michael Moore, and the Dixie Chicks, backed up by Rev Jesse Jackson on Guitar, Al Sharpton on drums and Howard Stern on kazoo.... Damn, I LOVE this car! ***

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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

* Sometimes you get, & sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1284

Chuckle 1284
(Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


Hi All,
Just to be ecumenical I'm sending this to members of both parties. We've got to keep humor going in spite of our position in the world.
---Chet---

~Gold Urinal ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill....

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone." ***



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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
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Chuckle 1283

Chuckle 1283
(I found this chuckle in my 2001 chuckle archives.)
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Expressions for Women on High Stress Days "~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

1. You -Off my planet. "
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be. ..?
6. I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep. "
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? ***

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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older & think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1282

Chuckle 1282
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~ Cows and Pickups~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A wise old Saskatchewan farm boy went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price.

After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the keys and the bill, to which the Sask. farm boy angrily declared,

"This ain't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that made the final price higher.

The farmer wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home.

A few months later, the salesman called the Farmer;

"My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good cows for sale?"

"Yep, I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, they decided on one
and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500.

"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and you have to pay for those, too!"

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

"I think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here!"

BASIC COW $500.00

Two tone exterior $45.00

Extra stomach $75.00

Product storing equipment $60.00

Straw compartment $120.00

4 Spigots @$10 ea $40.00

Leather upholstery $125.00

Dual horns $45.00

Automatic fly swatter $38.00

Fertilizer attachment $185.00

GRAND TOTAL $1,233.00

NEVER TRY TO OUTWIT A GOOD OL SASKATCHEWAN FARM BOY!

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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
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Chuckle 1281

Chuckle 1281
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)


~The Best Blonde Chuckle of Last Year~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL." ***
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~Dangerous Compliment ~

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect". He can't remember what happened after that. ***

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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1280

Chuckle 1280
(Rich and Flo of Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks!)


~Bubba had Shingles~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"


Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??" ***


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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

· Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

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Chuckle 1279

Chuckle 1279
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~MARRIED 30 YEARS ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

When I was married 30 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said," Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know to solve your mid-life crises....

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(Word for the Day)
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(An Old Farmer's Daily Advice.)

You cannot unsay a cruel word.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)