Chuckle 1502

Chuckle 1502
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~HOW to Tell the Sex of A Fly~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." ***

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.

2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1501

Chuckle 1501
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)

~ Osama~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His pecker was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. ***
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.

2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

________________________________________________________

Chucke 1501

Chuckle 1500
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Jack and Jill Revisited~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat..... He said "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'

"So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

"I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
"Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine."

So he did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Jill said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will!" ***

_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.

2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1499

Chuckle 1499
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~Bacon or Eggs~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any
milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any
milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_____________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.


2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
_______________________________________________________________

Have a nice day!

Chuckle 1498

Chuckle 1498
(Willie F of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Indian Mating~ 2nd time around.
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Indian Mating Season Two Indians and a Arkansas Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, it is our custom during mat ing season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

(Get ready, this will kill ya),

>

>


>

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN" ***

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________


Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.

2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:


5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1497

Chuckle 1497
Note: This will be the last chuckle for about 10 days as I'll
be on a cruise to Alaska. Mr. Chuckles

(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Donkey~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your ass goodbye!***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.

2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
________________________________________________________

Goodbye for now!

Chucke 1496

Chuckle 1496
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jack S of Santa Cruz CA!)

~One of Those Days~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)
I think you all can appreciate this one...

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt. ***
_______________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
____________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
____________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.

2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
____________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1495

I'm sorry about no chuckle yesterday but technical problems with my computer came up!
---Mr Chuckles---

Chuckle 1495
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Wedding Night~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - A carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, Each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.

BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!!!***



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.


2007 Einstein Awards
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

...And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

_____________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1494

Chuckle 1994
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)

~Grandma's Birth Control Pills~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her
life. He finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her
medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription
for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep."

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that, but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that
my 16 year old granddaughter drinks .................... and believe me, it helps me
sleep at night."

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas.......... ***




This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
____________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks Phyl (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA) for sharing the following Einstein Awards with us.

2007 Einstein Awards

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the 2007 Einstein Awards are bestowed, honoring the least intell among us.

And this year's glorious Winner is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
________________________________________________________________

Chucke 1493

Chuckle 1493
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~"It's Time we started Cussing."~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You
know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there
until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4
year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios." ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for compiling this set of comments from 1955.

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1492

Chuckle 1492
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Another Highway Patrol Pull Over~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Tarnation woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON 'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking." ***



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_____________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for compiling this set of comments from 1955.

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
________________________________________________________

Chucke 1491

Chuckle 1491
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Paso Robles CA!)

~Medical Distinction ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death. ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for compiling this set of comments from 1955.

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1490

Chuckle 1490
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Traffic cop vs. Violator!!!~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is being harassed.

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The Motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass".

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an *AH* in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they're in court.

The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
*AH*, underlined".

Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile"

Officer: "Yes Sir"?

Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole"?

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do"!!!!!! ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for compiling this set of comments from 1955.

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone with the Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
______________________________________________________

Chucke 1489

Chuckle 1489
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)

~Life in Southern California~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A highway patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt he had won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license." he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him!" yelled a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said in
Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?" ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for compiling this set of comments from 1955.

"Did you hear the post office is thinking a bout charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1488

Chuckle 1488
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Anger Management 101 Plus New Medical Tests~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

~ANGER MANAGEMENT 101 ~

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet....

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush ***

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
___________________________________________________________

~MEDICAL TEST~

STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS...
Then Scroll Down



NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS...



Scroll Down

Thank You!

Your CAT SCAN and LAB TESTS are now complete;

>


>


>

- Couldn't resist... ---Retha--- ***

____________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Our thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR for compiling this set of comments from 1955.

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
______________________________________________________

Chucke 1487

Chuckle 1487
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Blondes on a Bus~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a week-end tournament in Louisiana. The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunettes down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard, and whispered...

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!" ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Some Interesting Facts Compiled by Retha A of Richland OR!

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1486

Chuckle 1486
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Cathy B of Florence OR!)

~How to Call the Police When you're Old~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and ph oned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" ***

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Some Interesting Facts Compiled by Retha A of Richland OR!

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

_______________________________________________________

Chucke 1485

Chuckle 1485
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Wal-Mart~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A hero of a greeter!

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Some Interesting Facts Compiled by Retha A of Richland OR!

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
(But, how about a lionhearted pig?)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) ! Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1484

Chuckle 1484
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL.!)

~A Doctor's Thoughts~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Some Interesting Facts Compiled by Retha A of Richland OR!

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
_______________________________________________________

Chucke 1483

Chuckle 1483
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)


~New Creation Story~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island

Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart- healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center in to chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs. ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Some Interesting Facts Compiled by Retha A of Richland OR!

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
_____________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)