Chuckle 1712

Chuckle 1712
(Charlene S of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Grandpa/Grandma and the Kids~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,

"But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

#####

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

#####

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" ***

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(Chuckle Gems.)

George H has worked very hard compiling this collection of
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~A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO ALL THE GIRLS WE’VE LOVED BEFORE~

Brigette Bardot is now 72

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( Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1711

Chuckle 1711
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)

(Sorry, I couldn’t find a bear on a roof picture!)

~Bear Removers~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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Chuckle Gems.

George H has worked very hard compiling this collection of
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~A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO ALL THE GIRLS WE’VE LOVED BEFORE~


Ann-Margret is now 65
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Have a Great Day

Chuckle 1710

Chuckle 1710
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Goldie C of Florence OR!)

~Importance of Underwear~ (2nd time around.)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and Six Differences.)

(If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. ---Goldie---)

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. ***


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Chuckle Gems.

George H has worked very hard compiling this collection of
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~A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO ALL THE GIRLS WE’VE LOVED BEFORE~



Julie Andrews is now 71
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1709

Chuckle 1709
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Newfoundlander’s are Great~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Newfoundland got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no f*ck*ng way I can pass that test. ***
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Chuckle Gems.

George H has worked very hard compiling this collection of
photos. He has labeled them;

~A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO ALL THE GIRLS WE’VE LOVED BEFORE~

Ursula Andress is now 70

________________________________________________________

Have a Great Day!

Chuckle 1708

Chuckle 1708
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)

~Never Leave Your Nuts Alone ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled,
"Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEE-NUTS!" ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

34. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

35. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

36. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1707

Chuckle 1707
(Rich W if Paso Robles CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

“Small Ranch In The Sierra Foothills Of California”

~The Half-Wit ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Gary owned a small ranch in the Sierra Foothills of California. The California State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board."

"The maid has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of wine every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher. ***
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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

30. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

31. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

32. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship

33. Have noses that run and feet that smell?

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1706

Chuckle 1706
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Tom the Baptist~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him'playing church' with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'

Johnny looked up at her and said, 'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.'

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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

26. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

27. One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

28. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

29. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1705

Chuckle 1705
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)


~Gunslinger and the Old Prospector ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to.". . . ***

Don't mess with old folks ..
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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

22. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .

23. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

24. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

25. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

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Have a Good One!

Chuckle 1704

Happy Easter Everyone

**********************************

Chuckle 1704

(Cathy B of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Hoohoo~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring. ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1703

Chuckle 1703
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)


~Four Getting Older Chuckles? (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

*****************************************************************************

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

*****************************************************************************

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

*****************************************************************************

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I’ve lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
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Have a Nice Day

Chuckle 1702

Chuckle 1702
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~A Point Well Made~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

I was walking down the street when I was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive,"

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine." ***
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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1701

Chuckle 1701
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)


~How to Tell the Sex of a Fly~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
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Have a Great Day

Chuckle 1700

A little celebration is in

order for our 1700th Chuckle
********************************************************

Chuckle 1700
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Old Motor

~The Old Motor~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'


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Chuckle Gems.

Thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA for; “The Wonderful English Language”. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1699

Chuckle 1699
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Wal-Mart application-laugh for today! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

This is the greatest application.....what a guy!!!
He should live to be a really old fella with that attitude!

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DES IRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.


***Old People Rock! ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets our thanks for
sharing this list of “Ever Wonder” Silliness


EVER WONDER....

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
________________________________________________________

“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1698

Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Chuckle 1698
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)


~Top Joke in Northern Ireland~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'. ***



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Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets our thanks for
sharing this list of “Ever Wonder” Silliness

EVER WONDER ....

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1697

Chuckle 1697
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Surgery~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!" ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets our thanks for
sharing this list of “Ever Wonder” Silliness

EVER WONDER ....

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Some good stuff on TV today; Bowling,Golf, Basketball. Get a beer and some chips,

turn on the TV and relax for the rest of the day. Sounds good to Me!

Chuckle 1696

Chuckle 1696
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

( Gorgeous Young Woman)

~Two Chuckles From Rick~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" Morris replied.

To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis." ............... ***


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Chuckle Gems.

Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets our thanks for
sharing this list of “Only in America” Silliness


EVER WONDER....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1695

Chuckle 1695
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Tea Party~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?' ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets our thanks for
sharing this list of “Only in America” Silliness

Only in America .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Nave a Nice Day

Chuckle 1694

Chuckle 1694
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jo R of Florence OR!)



~How's Norma? ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit." ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets our thanks for
sharing this list of “Only in America” Silliness

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America! .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1693

Chuckle 1693
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~A New Slant on Life after Death ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact, 'Connie....Connie. '

'Is that you, Joe?'

Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona’ ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Retha A of Richland OR gets our thanks for:
“How do these people survive?”

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid
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Have a Great Day!

Chuckle 1692

Chuckle1692
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Quotes by Bob Hope~ May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

ON TURNING 70; "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80; “That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing...”

ON TURNING 90; “You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING; “I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR; “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF; "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS; “I have performed for 12 presidents and entertain ed only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER; “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL; GOLD MEDAL& a mp; n bsp; "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY; “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS; "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES; “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN; "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality." ***



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Retha A of Richland OR gets our thanks for:
“How do these people survive?”


EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1691

Chuckle 1691
(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~With Age Comes Wisdom~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish and play golf. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts?

Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." ***

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Chuckle Gems.

Retha A of Richland OR gets our thanks for:
“How do these people survive?”

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
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Now get out there and get with it!

Chuckle 1690

Chuckle 1690
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)


~Double Decker Bus~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Grantville, KS. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!' ***

Smile, it will make your day go faster. ---Rich---

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Retha A of Richland OR gets our thanks for:
“How do these people survive?”

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)