Chuckle 998

Chuckle 998
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sister-in-law Joyce H of Sacramento CA!)


~I'm Not Really Grouchy~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen? I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes? I'm a walking storeroom of facts… I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn’t send it back to them, but I would send it to many more! ***

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Word of the Day for Friday March 31, 2006

edacious \i-DAY-shus\, adjective:Given to eating; voracious; devouring.

Swallowed in the depths of edacious Time.-- Thomas Carlyle

Something that... will dismay edacious lips.-- "The late showman", Independent, August 21, 1999

Our... high-toned irritability, edacious appetites, and pampered constitutions.-- Isaac Taylor, Natural History of Enthusiasm
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 997

Chuckle 997
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC and Rich W of Scotts Valley CA!)

~The Hillbilly Vasectomy~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, South Carolina, West Virginia and Georgia. ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday March 30, 2006

benignant \bih-NIG-nuhnt\, adjective:1. Kind; gracious.2. Beneficial; favorable.

After the captain and ladies had sat down, the autocratic steward rang a second bell, and with a majestic wave of the hand, and a calm, benignant smile, signified his pleasure that we should sit down.-- Sir Henry Stanley, "Grand tours - Mind your manners at the captain's table," Independent, August 18, 2002

At the meeting it was strange to see, amidst the peaceful, benignant faces, this woe-begone old man, with his thick white hair and his deeply furrowed placid cheeks, looking wistfully from one to the other, and listening anxiously, hoping some day to hear the words which should bring peace to his soul.-- Alexander L. Kielland, Skipper Worse

Human beings . . . are forever ascribing malignant or benignant motives even to inanimate forces such as the weather, volcanoes, and internal-combustion engines.-- Stephen Budiansky, "The Truth About Dogs," The Atlantic, July 1999
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Chuckle 996

Chuckle 996
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)

~Senior Citizen's Bus Trip~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!” ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday March 29, 2006

invidious \in-VID-ee-uhs\, adjective:1. Tending to provoke envy, resentment, or ill will.2. Containing or implying a slight.3. Envious.

But to the human hordes of Amorites -- Semitic nomads wandering the mountains and deserts just beyond the pale of Sumer -- the tiered and clustered cities, strung out along the green banks of the meandering Euphrates like a giant's necklace of polished stone, seemed shining things, each surmounted by a wondrous temple and ziggurat dedicated to the city's god-protector, each city noted for some specialty -- all invidious reminders of what the nomads did not possess.-- Thomas Cahill, The Gifts of the Jews

In his experience people were seldom happier for having learned what they were missing, and all Europe had done for his wife was encourage her natural inclination toward bitter and invidious comparison.-- Richard Russo, Empire Falls

The lover's obsessiveness may also take the form of invidious comparisons between himself, or herself, and the rival.-- Ethel S. Person, "Love Triangles," The Atlantic, February 1988

For five decades, Indian liberals, and some from Europe and America, have been shaming the Western world with its commercialism, making invidious comparisons with Indian spirituality.-- Leland Hazard, "Strong Medicine for India," The Atlantic, December 1965
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 995

Chuckle 995
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)

~Cup of Coffee and Now that I'm older~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and
brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so
proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother,
in all her life, had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced
down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green
army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in
the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, its like on TV. The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

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~Now That I'm Older~

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in: Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.
13. If God wants me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?
15. It's not hard to meet expenses they're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder
what am I here after.***
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Word of the Day for Tuesday March 28, 2006

superfluous \soo-PER-floo-us\, adjective:More than is wanted or is sufficient; rendered unnecessary by superabundance; unnecessary; useless; excessive.-- SUPERFLUOUSLY, adverb-- SUPERFLUOUSNESS, noun

And it's hard to realize economies of scale without shedding superfluous jobs.-- "The Health of Valley Hospitals: Merger of Holy Cross, Providence Made Sense but Still Caused Pain," Los Angeles Times, July 27, 1999

Power Grubs make a dead skunk smell like a rose by comparison. The 'Not for human consumption' warning is superfluous.-- "Smelly grub a smash," Toronto Star, May 1, 1999

Everything superfluous is more noticeable in him [Hemmingway] than in other writers.-- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, "Gabriel Garcia Marquez Meets Ernest Hemingway," New York Times, July 26, 1981

An authority which makes all further argument or illustration superfluous.-- E. Everett
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Chuckle 994

Chuckle 994
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~Importance of Walking~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

..............And last but not least,

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! ***

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Word of the Day for Monday March 27, 2006

confluence \KON-floo-uhn(t)s\, noun:1. A flowing or coming together; junction.2. The place where two rivers, streams, etc. meet.3. A flocking or assemblage of a multitude in one place; a large collection or assemblage.

At the confluence of continents, at the narrow neck of the Nile Valley just before it spreads into the flat water-maze of the Delta, this has always been a place where elements mingle and cultures collide.-- Max Rodenbeck, Cairo: The City Victorious

It's the combination of these various factors, then -- their historical confluence, if you will -- that must be held responsible for the rapid erosion of the church's authority over sexual matters since the Second Vatican Council.-- Michael W. Cuneo, The Smoke of Satan

A remarkable confluence of technological and economic forces is enabling women to join the paid labor force around the world.-- Helen E. Fisher, The First Sex

At the time, I did not appreciate what an unusually fortunate confluence of circumstances was reigning in the cinematic heavens; I thought it would go on forever with the same incandescence.-- Phillip Lopate, Totally, Tenderly, Tragically

Outside, about a mile below, the Monongahela River met the Allegheny and the Ohio, forming the confluence of waters upon which stood Pittsburgh.-- Stanley Bing, Lloyd: What Happened

But it is not New-York streets built by the confluence of workmen and wealth of all nations, though stretching out toward Philadelphia until they touch it, and northward until they touch New Haven, Hartford, Springfield, Worcester, and Boston, -- not these that make the real estimation.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "American Civilization," The Atlantic, April 1862
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 993

Chuckle 993
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sunny Mary of Los Osos CA!)

~Dining Out~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table, taking with him his plate and setup. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday March 26, 2006

bellwether \BEL-weth-uhr\, noun:A leader of a movement or activity; also, a leading indicator of future trends.

Raised to believe they were among their generation's best and brightest, my class can be seen as a bellwether for a generation caught without a compass on the cutting edge of uncharted territory.-- Elizabeth Fishel, Reunion: The Girls We Used to Be, the Women We Became

Before that election, Maine's proud citizens had fancied their state to be a sort of bellwether, a notion embodied in the saying "As Maine goes, so goes the nation."-- Robert Shogan, The Fate of the Union
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Chuckle 992

Chuckle 992
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~Irish Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Why would you be wantin' to know?" asked Paddy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly, "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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An Irish girl said to a shopkeeper: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" The Shopkeeper replied: "I’d prefer that you use the dressing room, lass."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said her husband, "but I’m gettin’ closer all the time."
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Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A: A bachelor.
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Finnegan: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't seem to break her of it." Murphy: "What on earth is she doin’ at that hour?" Finnegan: "Waitin' for me to come home."
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "Smoking has killed millions -- it coats your lungs and you die in pain. The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have killed millions as well."

"Excuse me, Father," hollered Shaughnessy from the back, "But what is it that kills all the people who live clean?"
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Q: What is the definition of an Irish husband: A: A man who hasn’t kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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"Mr. O'Brien," asked the druggist, "Did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Brien, "but it keeps fallin' off!" ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday March 25, 2006

metier \met-YAY; MET-yay\, noun:1. An occupation; a profession.2. An area in which one excels; an occupation for which one is especially well suited.

The pairing of Maynard and Salinger -- the writer whose metier is autobiography and the writer who's so private he won't even publish -- was an unlikely one.-- Larissa MacFarquhar, "The Cult of Joyce Maynard," New York Times Magazine, September 6, 1998

In Congress, I really found my metier. . . . I love to legislate.-- Charles Schumer, "quoted in Upbeat Schumer Battles Poor Polls and Turnouts and His Own Image," New York Times, May 16, 1998

He is in the position of a good production engineer suddenly shunted into salesmanship. It is not his metier.-- James R. Mursell, "The Reform of the Schools," The Atlantic, December 1939
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 991

Chuckle 991
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)


~Quick Thinking Senior~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, as he roared down I-75 He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and Siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem", thought the man, and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 Minutes and today is Friday.” If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper. ***

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Word of the Day for Friday March 24, 2006

stolid \STOL-id\, adjective:Having or revealing little emotion or sensibility; not easily excited.

Normally stolid, she occasionally joined in the frequent applause and smiled along with the laughter at the high-spirited session.-- Seth Mydans, "Indonesia Leader Imposes a Decree to Fight Removal," New York Times, July 23, 2001

The inherent irrationality of markets was first demonstrated in the 17th century, when the normally stolid Dutch population was seized by a tulip craze that caused the people to pay insane prices for a single bulb.-- Robert Reno, "Analysis: A market that rides on bubbles," Newsday, August 7, 2002

Republicans hailed Kemp as a quick-tongued charmer who would . . . appear in attractive contrast to the stolid Al Gore.-- James Fallows, "An Acquired Taste," The Atlantic, July 1, 2000

Ulster Protestants are a slow, stolid, quiet, decent, law-abiding people, unstylish and unfashionable.-- John Derbyshire, "Paisley Goes to Washington," National Review, March 15, 2001
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Chuckle 990

Chuckle 990
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~Ernesto~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Señor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senior. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"Your thoroughbred, Señor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor."
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Señor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE..................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!" ***
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Word of the Day for Thursday March 23, 2006

paterfamilias \pay-tuhr-fuh-MIL-ee-uhs; pat-uhr-; pah-\, noun;plural patresfamilias \pay-treez-; pat-reez-; pah-treez-\:The male head of a household or the father of a family.

His father served as paterfamilias to the entire García clan, dispensing money and advice to those who needed it, and the family, in turn, revered him.-- Leslie Stainton, Lorca: A Dream of Life

Just after World War II the paterfamilias, Eric, briefly abandons his wife and children for a doomed romance in Paris.-- John Domini, "review of Drowning, by Lee Grove," New York Times, July 21, 1991

On the face of it, Henry Spencer Ashbee was a typical middle-class Victorian: a successful businessman, a strict paterfamilias.-- Iain Finlayson, "Victorian erotic values," Times (London), February 21, 2001
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 989

Chuckle 989
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jack and Marge S of Florence OR!)

~Fun & Retirement ~ (2nd time around with a new twist.)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I called him a S---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused! Him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday March 22, 2006

succor \SUH-kuhr\, noun:1. Aid; help; assistance; especially, assistance that relieves and delivers from difficulty, want, or distress.2. The person or thing that brings relief.
transitive verb:1. To help or relieve when in difficulty, want, or distress; to assist and deliver from suffering; to relieve.

In Asakusa, a crowd sought succor around an old and lovely Buddhist temple, dedicated to Kannon, goddess of mercy.-- Richard B. Frank, Downfall: The End of the Imperial Japanese Empire

Ever since I was five, I have inserted myself into every movie I've seen and gratefully, humbly found succor there.-- Laurie Fox, My Sister from the Black Lagoon

There was some talk about the perils of the sea, and a landsman delivered himself of the customary nonsense about the poor mariner wandering in far oceans, tempest-tossed, pursued by dangers, every storm blast and thunderbolt in the home skies moving the friends by snug firesides to compassion for that poor mariner, and prayers for his succor.-- Mark Twain, "Some Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion," The Atlantic, November 1877

He honors the old, succors the infirm, raises the downtrodden, destroys fanaticism.-- Alan Jolis, Love and Terror
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Chuckle 988

Chuckle 988
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Scotts Valley CA!)

~If My Body Were A Car ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday March 21, 2006

aubade \oh-BAHD\, noun:A song or poem greeting the dawn; also, a composition suggestive of morning.

He was usually still awake when the birds began to warble their aubade.-- Christopher Buckley, "What was Robert Benchley?," National Review, June 16, 1997

And there he lingered till the crowing cock...Sang his aubade with lusty voice and clear.-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Emma and Eginhard
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 987

Chuckle 987
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O, Bev L and GGBG all of Florence OR)

~My Wife Left Me~ (From Dean)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

My wife left me and I'm not sure why. After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses so I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up. Then, the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw she spent $45 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

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~My Yearly Exam ~ (From Bev)

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks. "130," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.
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~That's My Story~ (From GGBG)

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it! ***

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Word of the Day for Monday March 20, 2006

paragon \PAIR-uh-gon; -guhn\, noun:A model of excellence or perfection; as, "a paragon of beauty; a paragon of eloquence."

Even his friends and business associates, men and women alike, were paragons of health: avoiders of fatty foods, moderate drinkers, health-club habitues, lovers of cross-country skiing, weekend canoe trips, and daylong hikes in the North Woods.-- Alvin Greenberg, How the Dead Live

Voters, if they chose, could easily convince themselves that the people running their government were faithful spouses and temperate drinkers, paragons whose public images were in perfect accord with their private behavior.-- Gail Collins, Scorpion Tongues
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Chuckle 986

Chuckle 986
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sandy J of Florence OR!)


~Another Blonde Story~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....

(You're going to love this!)

She said "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Asda and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack".

(Just about there.)

"Both tests came out positive!” ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday March 19, 2006

dudgeon \DUH-juhn\, noun:A state or fit of intense indignation; resentment; ill humor -- often used in the phrase "in high dudgeon."

Higgins was so frustrated by such a basic error that he stormed out of the arena for the mid-session interval in high dudgeon.-- Phil Yates, "Stevens begins to feel pressure as Swail stages customary revival," Times (London), April 29, 2000

This woman is forever in a state of spiritual high dudgeon, and a list of her dislikes is as long as the Omaha phone book.-- Jim Harrison, The Road Home

What you see, they reckon, is all there is: a media star of fading allure--and shortening temper, if his dudgeon over a television soap-opera satire about him called "How was I, Doris?" (a reference to his fourth wife) is anything to go by.-- "Gerhard Schröder, embattled chancellor," The Economist, September 18, 1999
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 985

Chuckle 985
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA)

~Things My Mother Taught Me~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

In Case we have forgotten ---

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY “Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to; be my age, you’ll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

"People may not always remember what you said or did, but they will always remember how you made them feel" ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

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Word of the Day for Saturday March 18, 2006

amalgam \uh-MAL-guhm\, noun:1. An alloy of mercury with another metal or metals; used especially (with silver) as a dental filling.2. A mixture or compound of different things.

In that year, Zola struck back at the novelist and critic Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly, that curious amalgam of religious conservative and blasphemous melodramatist -- Zola called him a"hysterical Catholic" -- whom he had long detested for his superior bearing and his unfortunate sallies against writers Zola admired.-- Gary B. Nash, History on Trial

The so-called "protest" literature of the thirties was often an amalgam of the private rebellion of youth with social revolt.-- Nona Balakian, The World of William Saroyan

The governing body of college athletics is gradually extruding a regulatory text that reads like some crazed amalgam of the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus and the Uniform Commercial Code.-- Paul F. Campos, Jurismania

Her vocabulary was an amalgam of slang, especially the show-business jargon of Broadway and Tin Pan Alley, and a requisite amount of cultivated English.-- James A. Drake, Rosa Ponselle: A Centenary Biography
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Chuckle 984

Chuckle 984

~Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day ~


(These St. Patrick’s Day chuckles were sent to us by Dick L of Florence OR)

Knock, knock! Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

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A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up: "You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I ought ‘a punch you in the nose. . . "
The ventriloquist started to reply: "I'm sorry, sir; I..."

"Not you!" says the Irishman. I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was "driving him to drink." Quinn thinks Murphy is very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ***
---Dick! ---


******************************************************************************

(Today's chuckle thanks also go to Carrie and Jeannie of Sacramento CA)


~Bear in a Bar~2nd time around.
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate!” ***

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Word of the Day for Friday March 17, 2006
verdant \VUR-dnt\, adjective:1. Covered with growing plants or grass; green with vegetation.2. Green.3. Unripe in knowledge, judgment, or experience; unsophisticated; green.

Drab in winter, then suddenly sodden with alpine runoff, the region turns dazzlingly verdant in spring.-- Patricia Albers, Shadows, Fire, Snow

Dry as the region just outside the delta may be, it would still be covered with grasses, yellowish in the dry season, verdant in the wet.-- Niles Eldredge, Life in the Balance
I was verdant enough to think her Agrippine very fine.-- Henry James, "The Théâtre Français"
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 983

Chuckle 983
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat E and Judy J of Florence OR!)
This can only be read before one gets deep into Happy Hour.
---Pat---


~Petey~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Petey was a snake, and very young. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, “Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit." Petey went over to Mrs Pott’s pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss." This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what’s the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss, don't hiss in my pit.'" This made Petey’s mother very angry and she said, "Why that old battle ax, I knew her when she didn't have a pit to hiss in." ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday March 16, 2006

megalomania \meg-uh-lo-MAY-nee-ah; -nyuh\, noun:1. A mania for grandiose or extravagant things or actions.2. A mental disorder characterized by delusions of grandeur.

Eighteen months generally elapse nowadays between the time a publisher accepts a manuscript and its appearance in book form -- the gestation period of an elephant. During that year and a half of waiting, a writer is visited by every emotion in the fun house, from rosy anticipation to exultation, megalomania, brooding, dread, cringing humility, avarice, guilt and, finally, stolid acceptance.-- Phillip Lopate, "Waiting for the Book: Storms Before the Calm," New York Times, May 24, 1987

He too often allows us to laugh off notions that science might occasionally be the handmaiden of megalomania, greed, and sadism.-- David J. Skal, Screams of Reason: Mad Science and Modern Culture

Mao was a man of considerable charisma and megalomania.-- Seth Faison, "Deng Xiaoping, Architect of Modern China, Dies at 92," New York Times, February 20, 1997

Megalomania is an occupational hazard for judges, said Prof. Paul Carrington of the Duke University Law School, noting that a trial judge inevitably has a great deal of power over everyone in the courtroom. "Judges can get awfully full of themselves," he said.-- Neil A. Lewis, "You're Out of Order, Your Honor," New York Times, July 12, 1998
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Chuckle 982

Chuckle 982
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Nadine W of Carpinteria CA!)


~Young Minister~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday March 15, 2006

Ides \YDZ\, plural noun:In the ancient Roman calendar the fifteenth day of March, May, July, and October, and the thirteenth day of the other months.

In one measure of how fast this calendar has become in recent years, by the Ides of March 1984, seven states had held primaries, said Rhodes Cook, the author of "Race for the Presidency".-- Robin Toner, "Both Parties Seek Ways to Tame Fast and Furious Primary Process.," New YorkTimes, January 24, 2000

Oh he is a very fast horse, and on the Ides of November you will know just how fast he is.-- "The Aristocracy of the Democratic Party.," New York Times, November 9, 1864

A soothsayer bids you beware of the Ides of March.-- William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
There is a poem inviting Philodemos to dinner which he is supposed to have written himself, and one of the other guests is Artemidorus, very likely the same son of Theopompos of Cnidos who warned Caesar about the Ides of March in 44 BC on his way to his assassination.-- Peter Levi, Virgil: His Life and Times
____________________________________________________________ (Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 981

Chuckle 981
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~ South Dakota Three Kick Rule~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Dakota Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."


[I love this part.....]

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday March 14, 2006

uxorious \uk-SOR-ee-us; ug-ZOR-\, adjective:Excessively fond of or submissive to a wife.

It is batty to suppose that the most uxorious of husbands will stop his wife's excessive shopping if an excessive shopper she has always been.-- Angela Huth, "All you need is love," Daily Telegraph, April 24, 1998

Flagler seems to have been an uxorious, domestic man, who liked the comfort and companionship of a wife at his side.-- Michael Browning, "Whitehall at 100," Palm Beach Post, February 22, 2002

Fuller is as uxorious a poet as they come: hiatuses in the couple's mutual understanding are overcome with such rapidity as to be hardly worth mentioning in the first place ("How easy, this ability / To lose whatever we possess / By ceasing to believe that we / Deserve such brilliant success").-- David Wheatley, "Round and round we go," The Guardian, October 5, 2002
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Chuckle 980

Chuckle 980
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)
Here is a note sent along with the message; Hi again Jerry: Here is some more ammo for your daily chuckle. I have not shared this with anyone and it came from England so should be fresh fodder.
---Dean---


~ Cold and Chilly ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time...do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December." ***

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Word of the Day for Monday March 13, 2006

manse \MAN(T)S\, noun:1. A large and imposing residence.2. The residence of a clergyman (especially a Presbyterian clergyman).

A two-story white Greek Revival manse, with a front porch and a terrace in the back.-- Garrison Keillor, Wobegon Boy

That Carol was a certified divorcee was one of many facts about her which failed to fit, along with her still living with her widowed father in this weird gothic Victorian manse.-- Erik Tarloff, The Man Who Wrote the Book
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 980

Chuckle 980
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)
Here is a note sent along with the message; Hi again Jerry: Here is some more ammo for your daily chuckle. I have not shared this with anyone and it came from England so should be fresh fodder.
---Dean---


~ Cold and Chilly ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time...do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December." ***

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_______________________________________________________
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Word of the Day for Monday March 13, 2006

manse \MAN(T)S\, noun:1. A large and imposing residence.2. The residence of a clergyman (especially a Presbyterian clergyman).

A two-story white Greek Revival manse, with a front porch and a terrace in the back.-- Garrison Keillor, Wobegon Boy

That Carol was a certified divorcee was one of many facts about her which failed to fit, along with her still living with her widowed father in this weird gothic Victorian manse.-- Erik Tarloff, The Man Who Wrote the Book
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 979

Chuckle 979
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Gary of La Habra CA!)


~Short Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

~It Pays to Be Careful around Elderly People~ (2nd time around)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people. ***
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~Religious Healing Program~

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust: "you just don't understand, you old coot. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!!!!! ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday March 12, 2006
parvenu \PAR-vuh-noo; -nyoo\, noun:1. One that has recently or suddenly risen to a higher social or economic class but has not gained social acceptance of others in that class; an upstart.
adjective:1. Being a parvenu; also, like or having the characteristics of a parvenu.

But the favourite's power and influence provoke intense ill-feeling among other courtiers, who regard him as a sinister usurping parvenu with ideas above his station, or perhaps even a sorcerer.-- Francis Wheen, "The whole truth about Peter's friends," The Guardian, January 31, 2001

However, the Creoles, French, Spanish, and Acadians who preceded the American parvenus were deeply entrenched and incredibly snobbish and clannish in relation to outsiders.-- Laurence Bergreen, Louis Armstrong: An Extravagant Life

When John Stewart Parnell went up to Magdalene College, Cambridge in 1865 he found that "the sons of moneyed parvenus from the North of England tried to liken themselves to country gentlemen and succeeded in looking like stable boys."-- J. Mordaunt Crook, The Rise of the Nouveaux Riches

The Progressives were of the educated middle class, angry at the rule of parvenu financiers and industrialists.-- Norman Birnbaum, After Progress
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Chuckle 978

Chuckle 978
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Shirley L of Chemainus BC!)


~15 Things to do at Wal-Mart~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,

'Code 3' in house wares..... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay
away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other
shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask

'Why can't! you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
" Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume
the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while;
and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday March 11, 2006

crapulous \KRAP-yuh-lus\, adjective:1. Suffering the effects of, or derived from, or suggestive of gross intemperance, especially in drinking; as, a crapulous stomach.2. Marked by gross intemperance, especially in drinking; as, a crapulous old reprobate.

These were the dregs of their celebratory party: the half-filled glasses, the cold beans and herring, the shouts and smells of the crapulous strangers hemming them in on every side, the dead rinsed-out April night and the rain drooling down the windows.-- T. Coraghessan Boyle, Riven Rock
The crapulous life which her future successor led.-- Lord Brougham, Historical Sketches of Statesmen in the Time of George III

The new money was spent in so much riotous living, and from end to end there settled on the country a mood of fretful, crapulous irritation.-- Stephen McKenna, Sonia
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 977

Chuckle 977
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)

~Clever Signs~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix. "

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak" ***
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• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Friday March 10, 2006

ululate \UL-yuh-layt; YOOL-\, intransitive:To howl, as a dog or a wolf; to wail; as, ululating jackals.

He had often dreamed of his grieving family visiting his grave, ululating as only the relatives of martyrs may.-- Edward Shirley, Know Thine Enemy: A Spy's Journey into Revolutionary Iran

She wanted to be on the tarmac, to ululate and raise her hands to the heavens.-- Deborah Sontag, "Palestinian Airport Opens to Jubilation," New York Times, November 25, 1998

She used harrowing, penetrating nasal tones and a rasp that approached Janis Joplin's double-stops; she made notes break and ululate.-- Jon Pareles, "On the Third Day There Was Whooping and There Was Moshing," New York Times, August 18, 1998
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Chuckle 976

Chuckle 976
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jeanne C and Carrie M of Sacramento CA!)




~Bud and Lou Anew~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

???????? (A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............. ***

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history


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Word of the Day for Thursday March 9, 2006

contradistinction \kon-truh-dis-TINK-shuhn\, noun:Distinction by contrast; as, "sculpture in contradistinction to painting."

In the quarter-century since "Gravity's Rainbow," American novelists have increasingly fixed their boldest inventions in the past, usually their own early years or a time long before they were born -- in contradistinction to postwar writers who vigorously peeled away World War II and the social fabric of the 1950's.-- Gary Giddins, "Escape to New York," New York Times, September 20, 1998

The music was breathing constantly, in contradistinction to the willfully suffocated feeling of most heavy music.-- Ben Ratliff, "A Brazilian Band Emerges From the Loss of Its Leader," New York Times, July 28, 2000
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.